This blog entry brought to you in HD (where available)

Just as the seasons come and go, there are seasons to marketing catch words. Remember when everything was extreme? And then do you remember when everything became Xtreme? We had Xtreme Ranch flavored tortilla chips, Xtreme soft drinks, Xtreme scooters, Xtreme lash-lengthening mascara, Xtreme pizza, and Xtreme cleaning products.

Thankfully, the annoyingly misspelled "xtreme" catch word is fading from popularity in advertising. Tragically, it is being replaced by irrelevant terms derived from the latest-and-greatest in electronics: HD and 3D. 

One industry that is leading the way in abusing HD and 3D is the tanning industry. Did you know you can now get an HD tan? Do you even know what that is? It is a sunless tanning technique that has been around for years (often called Mystic Tan), where you stand in a telephone booth and get sprayed all over by automated car wash equipment loaded with your perfect shade of beige. The sunless tan is now available in HD. It is unclear what the difference is, but if we take a cue from the electronics industry, we can assume that a sunless HD tan is more appropriate for large flat-screen viewing and is probably also in widescreen format.

3D tanning is also at the leading edge of the industry. This latest innovation begs the question: what is 2D tanning? Isn't all tanning 3D? Can we be given an example of tanning utilizing only the x and y vertices? Some establishments are now touting 4D tanning, which is a great investment if you are willing to travel through time to get that perfect glow.

Entitled "Stop the Presses!" or "When the Sh*t Hits the Fan"

(Note: this entry was written Friday, May 6th)

First, let's all take a breath.

My fellow MT-ers, pop open a cold one and become one with the couch in a perfect communion of body and sofa. Let your thoughts drift away from the hectic week that has just reached its conclusion, a week of small triumphs and large disappointments. Let us forget that this week, the press and our usually indomitable spirits were broken.

In one month, Market Treasury has doubled its staff, despite the unfortunate necessity of releasing two former employees back into the wild to rejoin whatever clan of lunatics from whence they came. They left in their maniacal wake a trail of destruction, the magnitude of which was not immediately apparent until the rest of us were swept up by a towering wave of crap. Since then, we have been picking up the pieces, making amends as best we can when needed and continuing to raise the bar for excellence despite the best efforts of the lunatics to use the bar as a stripper pole--but that's another story.

This week, we were excited to get back in step with our valued clients, especially since the May issue will unveil an elegant new look. Everything seemed to be going our way. The art department was in near constant contact with advertisers, using an awesome online proofing system, which ended up causing more confusion when it became obnoxious and demanding, sending out redundant proofs, insisting upon receiving a response from clients regarding old proofs, new proofs, red proofs, blue proofs. It seemed to take on a life of its own, somehow attaching an evil laugh to every email notification our poor advertisers were sent. It became uncontrollable, devouring internet servers across the land, cramming email inboxes with terse messages about deadlines and decisions. Eventually we managed to disable it with a powerful sedative and deleted the ad proofs while it was lying on the floor, stunned and inert. Rest assured we will keep it chained up and under constant guard in the future.

Despite the chaos, we were ready to send our publication to press by deadline, exhausted yet elated by scratching success out of that skinny little void between rock and hard place. Our designs were approved, our document was built, and we were ready to celebrate or at least go home at a decent hour, when the unthinkable happened.

The printer broke.

It wouldn't be a big deal if it was just the office printer and we were simply printing a big stack of envelopes or perhaps the guidelines to calling shotgun in a vehicle (rule 1: You must be within sight of the vehicle before you can shout shotgun or risk disqualification). However, a slick publication like ours must be sent to a professional press in Denver, where it is printed, bound and then handed over to the post office to land in a mailbox near you. So when the printing company suffered a casualty this week and lost one of its huge presses, we feared all was lost, as there are only two companies in the entire state of Colorado with the capacity to produce our magazine, and just as a woman returns to the same hairdresser every time, most publications are loyal to their presses.

The situation looked bleak. It was starting to look as if our magazine would not be in homes for weeks. The mood in the office changed. Though we were more busy than ever, we looked at each other with hopelessness in our eyes and fear in our hearts, the promise of a stiff drink after hours the only light we could see at the end of the tunnel when it wasn't the headlamp of an oncoming train.

And then, something wonderful happened. It was not on par with a miracle or even getting your entree for free when the hostess accidentally loses your dinner reservation, but we were grateful anyway. Only a day after deadline, the press gave us the green light to upload our document, even though we aren't quite as important as some multi-million dollar accounts they serve. Close, but not quite. It is now up to them to work overtime, maybe even as hard as we worked this week, to get our magazine into homes on time. And meanwhile, we're going to relax and recuperate this weekend. Then we'll start the madness all over on Monday.

So to all of our clients, thank you for your patience this week. It has been an emotional roller coaster, and we appreciate your company on the ride, especially if you happen to have barf bags on you.

-AJ