Good Singers Suck at Karaoke

I've been to many a karaoke bar in my time. My favorite karaoke songs are "Happy Together" by The Turtles, "If I Had a Million Dollars" by Bare Naked Ladies, and yes, "American Pie" by Don Mclean. I don't care if it's a long freaking song. Everyone knows the chorus, and everyone joins in at the part where we take the Chevy to the levy and the levy is dry. That's what makes it a great song for karaoke. We can't forget "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen, the greatest song ever written by anyone, anywhere, anytime, and destined to be recorded in the annals of history as the anthem of a generation, and then another generation, and another, and another, its popularity timeless because it's just that awesome.

Karaoke is meant to be performed by bad singers. It's the only outlet crappy singers have for their intense need to assault the eardrums of a captive audience. And the fact that most karaoke is performed in bars indicates that karaoke was invented to allow people with no vocal talent to amuse drunken bar patrons. Admit it--you love it when an uptight soccer mom gets sloshed at her daughter's friend's bachelorette party and awkwardly belts out the lyrics to a girl-power Cyndi Lauper tune during happy hour. Karaoke is about stage presence, entertainment and self-humiliation. This is not the Cleveland Opera House, people. You're here to have fun.

But then there are the good singers, the people with serious vocal talent. They never want to sing a song we all know because anyone can sing those songs, and it doesn't matter how far off key you are, because the song itself is enough to entertain, and an amateur performance is part of the charm. Much like the phenomenon of hundreds of random people spontaneously chanting "AIR....BALL..." at a basketball game perfectly in sync, we can all sing those songs because we love them. We sing them in the car while we sit in traffic, we sing them in the shower, we sing them in our heads when we're wandering aimlessly around the grocery store. Good singers never want to sing those songs. Instead, they sing ballads, or songs with incredible vocal range, just because they can and you can't.

Here's the problem with singing a ballad: You're in a bar. Know your audience (in the way that a good marketing company such as Market Treasury knows your audience and appeals directly to them). We want loud, catchy songs with simplistic lyrics or universally recognized choruses. Don't make us suffer through Carrie Underwood, no matter how closely your vocal talent rivals hers. Country music is barely tolerable as it is (not to me, but I'm told some people tolerate the genre). Don't make us sit through a slow, complex song unless you've already bought a round--or several--for everyone. You'd better get me sloshed before you make me sit through anything by Josh Groban or Seal unless you want to be pelted by cheese fries.

So to recap, "Bohemian Rhapsody" is always a crowd-pleaser, Carrie Underwood has no business in a bar, and good singers have an annoying habit of spoiling the karaoke experience.

And to answer your question, I'm a bad singer, but I'm awesome at karaoke.

-AJ

The Extraordinary and Perhaps Entirely Fictional History of Duct Tape

Many great inventions have been invented by great inventors throughout history. There is fire, making its first appearance during the age when the earth was a big ball of molten lava, and experiencing a resurgence in popularity sometime during the Ice Ages. There is the wheel, invented by the great thinker Fred Flintstone, though there is some debate among scholars that he stole the original blueprints from his best friend and idiot-savant Barney Rubble. Some folk speculate that Velcro was the greatest adhesive to ever benefit mankind, but I disagree. That title belongs to duct tape.

Let us begin by making the important distinction that it's duct tape, not duck tape. Ducks have very little use for cloth-backed adherents, though some have been observed to apply the tape to their feet as make-shift galoshes. Ducts, however, are often seen sporting the fibrous material. Scientists have speculated that ducts in their natural environment would use the tape as clothing, both basic and haute couture, but this cannot be verified as ducts have only been observed in areas populated by humans due to suburban sprawl overtaking their habitats.

Duct tape was discovered by Christopher Columbus in the fifteenth century, shortly after embarking on a vacation cruise to the Sandals resort in India. His ship, the Princess Cruise Santa Maria, had been built with a serious engineering flaw that caused all the knots in the planks to pop out whenever the ship turned left. Finding the bottom of the ship leaking like a sieve, Columbus docked in the first tourist city he came across, which happened to be Athens during the Olympics. The crew of his ship was puzzled by his decision to navigate the huge vessel across hundreds of miles of land, but Columbus was able to score tickets for awesome seats in the Colosseum and backstage passes to the after party, so the crew let it slide.

Several days of debauchery later, Columbus was dismayed to learn that his across-land voyage had caused serious damage to the part of the ship that goes in the water. He had spent all the funds given to him by the Queen of Spain on tickets to the Olympics and cover charges at the local dance clubs, leaving no money left for repairs.

Unwilling to admit defeat and return to Spain without any souvenir magnets from India, Columbus searched the land for cheap materials to patch the Princess Santa Maria. Finding none, he appealed to the gods on Mount Olympus to either deliver a miracle to repair the ship or to deliver a lawyer who could get him out of his contract with Spain.

The gods responded by causing a Home Depot to appear unto Columbus, replete with helpful Grecians clad in orange vests, beckoning him to aisle 7, thereafter known as the Aisle of Tape. Archaeologists have determined that the site of the heavenly Home Depot came to be known as the Acropolis. Columbus eagerly heeded the advice of the vested Grecians, repaired his ship with the silvery fabric, and resumed his voyage to India, finding many more uses for the tape including using it to stick his compass to the dashboard. However, he failed to notice that he had taped it upside down, so he headed west instead of east, and never reached the Sandals resort in India. So instead of relaxing on a beautiful beach with a pina colada, the passengers aboard the Princess Santa Maria found themselves at some barren place called Plymouth Rock, where they had to build their own guest cabins.

And this concludes your history lesson on duct tape as well as a brilliant example of how a mundane object of everyday life can be marketed to medieval ship builders.

-AJ

Ironic, isn't it?

It's been said by people who say such things that the word "irony" is the most misused word in the English language. So to help clarify for the linguistically impaired, here are some examples of irony.

Alanis Morisette's song "Isn't It Ironic" from the sensational album Jagged Little Pill:
The lyrics of this once-ubiquitous girl power anthem include such gems as "It's like rain on your wedding day / It's a free ride when you've already paid / It's some good advice that you just didn't take / And who would have thought? It figgers..." Clearly, these are not ironic situations. Rain on your wedding day? Don't get married in spring, moron. Free ride when you've already paid? Check the bus schedule for Free Tuesday deals before you mindlessly dump your tokens into that coin slot. Good advice that you just didn't take? Maybe you should listen to that oracle next time. Who would have thought?

I submit to you that this song is a sublime example of irony. None of the situations described in the song are ironic. They are merely unfortunate or at best the kind of things you secretly wish would happen to that annoying teller at the bank who seems to bathe in Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds cologne. May she rest in peace, but for God's sake let's bury that perfume recipe in the deepest hole in the earth.

So the irony in Alanis Morisette's song is that there is nothing at all ironic about the things she claims are ironic. Either she is a clever lyricist or her record label figgered most Americans don't know the meaning of the word irony either. If anyone knows her personally, ask her. I bet she claims it was on purpose, like she knew it all along.

Here is an example of irony. Little Timmy falls down a well, and Lassie runs to the farmhouse to alert the family of the crisis by barking her head off as usual. A visiting veterinarian, fluent in canine linguistics, is able to translate Lassie's message. "Oh no! Jiggling whinny is calling from hell!" he relays to the horrified household. The family rushes to find the apparently open mouth of Hell that has swallowed their obese horse. Meanwhile, Timmy languishes at the bottom of the pit, because it turns out Lassie has a speech impediment.

-AJ

Yes, you CAN use sandpaper as an exfoliant.

Are you tired of spending your life savings on expensive lotions, miracle creams, exfoliants, and Ped Eggs in a vain attempt to scrub away years of sun damage, rebellious skin flakes, or even those pesky upper-lip hairs? Finally, there is an affordable, effective solution, available at a hardware store near you.

That's right; it's sandpaper.

I recommend using a fine grit paper, 600 grade and up, similar in texture to a nail file or very smooth concrete. Head outside and rub your face on polished concrete to get a good handle on how it should feel. Stick to the sidewalks and avoid the urge to rub your face in the street. Now that you have a baseline comparison for texture, hit up the nearest Home Depot and peruse the sandpaper aisle to find that perfect beauty fix. You should not be able to see the grains in the paper without squinting really hard. If the paper looks like the rocky coastline of Washington state, it is too rough and may peel off your skin like a banana. A messy, gross banana with skin flaps hanging off of it. So choose wisely.

After you have selected the appropriate paper (and purchased it), rub gently over the skin with a smooth, circular motion. There is no need to put elbow grease into it unless you have some serious flaking going on. DO NOT scrub. You are exfoliating your skin, not cleaning a prison lavatory. Bleeding is not the desired effect and may indicate you have made a poor decision in sandpaper selection. Cease exfoliation immediately and get off the nice white carpet.

There you have it: a way to market industrial products in the skincare industry. Wow, we're good. And smooth.

-AJ