The Extraordinary and Perhaps Entirely Fictional History of Duct Tape

Many great inventions have been invented by great inventors throughout history. There is fire, making its first appearance during the age when the earth was a big ball of molten lava, and experiencing a resurgence in popularity sometime during the Ice Ages. There is the wheel, invented by the great thinker Fred Flintstone, though there is some debate among scholars that he stole the original blueprints from his best friend and idiot-savant Barney Rubble. Some folk speculate that Velcro was the greatest adhesive to ever benefit mankind, but I disagree. That title belongs to duct tape.

Let us begin by making the important distinction that it's duct tape, not duck tape. Ducks have very little use for cloth-backed adherents, though some have been observed to apply the tape to their feet as make-shift galoshes. Ducts, however, are often seen sporting the fibrous material. Scientists have speculated that ducts in their natural environment would use the tape as clothing, both basic and haute couture, but this cannot be verified as ducts have only been observed in areas populated by humans due to suburban sprawl overtaking their habitats.

Duct tape was discovered by Christopher Columbus in the fifteenth century, shortly after embarking on a vacation cruise to the Sandals resort in India. His ship, the Princess Cruise Santa Maria, had been built with a serious engineering flaw that caused all the knots in the planks to pop out whenever the ship turned left. Finding the bottom of the ship leaking like a sieve, Columbus docked in the first tourist city he came across, which happened to be Athens during the Olympics. The crew of his ship was puzzled by his decision to navigate the huge vessel across hundreds of miles of land, but Columbus was able to score tickets for awesome seats in the Colosseum and backstage passes to the after party, so the crew let it slide.

Several days of debauchery later, Columbus was dismayed to learn that his across-land voyage had caused serious damage to the part of the ship that goes in the water. He had spent all the funds given to him by the Queen of Spain on tickets to the Olympics and cover charges at the local dance clubs, leaving no money left for repairs.

Unwilling to admit defeat and return to Spain without any souvenir magnets from India, Columbus searched the land for cheap materials to patch the Princess Santa Maria. Finding none, he appealed to the gods on Mount Olympus to either deliver a miracle to repair the ship or to deliver a lawyer who could get him out of his contract with Spain.

The gods responded by causing a Home Depot to appear unto Columbus, replete with helpful Grecians clad in orange vests, beckoning him to aisle 7, thereafter known as the Aisle of Tape. Archaeologists have determined that the site of the heavenly Home Depot came to be known as the Acropolis. Columbus eagerly heeded the advice of the vested Grecians, repaired his ship with the silvery fabric, and resumed his voyage to India, finding many more uses for the tape including using it to stick his compass to the dashboard. However, he failed to notice that he had taped it upside down, so he headed west instead of east, and never reached the Sandals resort in India. So instead of relaxing on a beautiful beach with a pina colada, the passengers aboard the Princess Santa Maria found themselves at some barren place called Plymouth Rock, where they had to build their own guest cabins.

And this concludes your history lesson on duct tape as well as a brilliant example of how a mundane object of everyday life can be marketed to medieval ship builders.

-AJ