Good Singers Suck at Karaoke

I've been to many a karaoke bar in my time. My favorite karaoke songs are "Happy Together" by The Turtles, "If I Had a Million Dollars" by Bare Naked Ladies, and yes, "American Pie" by Don Mclean. I don't care if it's a long freaking song. Everyone knows the chorus, and everyone joins in at the part where we take the Chevy to the levy and the levy is dry. That's what makes it a great song for karaoke. We can't forget "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen, the greatest song ever written by anyone, anywhere, anytime, and destined to be recorded in the annals of history as the anthem of a generation, and then another generation, and another, and another, its popularity timeless because it's just that awesome.

Karaoke is meant to be performed by bad singers. It's the only outlet crappy singers have for their intense need to assault the eardrums of a captive audience. And the fact that most karaoke is performed in bars indicates that karaoke was invented to allow people with no vocal talent to amuse drunken bar patrons. Admit it--you love it when an uptight soccer mom gets sloshed at her daughter's friend's bachelorette party and awkwardly belts out the lyrics to a girl-power Cyndi Lauper tune during happy hour. Karaoke is about stage presence, entertainment and self-humiliation. This is not the Cleveland Opera House, people. You're here to have fun.

But then there are the good singers, the people with serious vocal talent. They never want to sing a song we all know because anyone can sing those songs, and it doesn't matter how far off key you are, because the song itself is enough to entertain, and an amateur performance is part of the charm. Much like the phenomenon of hundreds of random people spontaneously chanting "AIR....BALL..." at a basketball game perfectly in sync, we can all sing those songs because we love them. We sing them in the car while we sit in traffic, we sing them in the shower, we sing them in our heads when we're wandering aimlessly around the grocery store. Good singers never want to sing those songs. Instead, they sing ballads, or songs with incredible vocal range, just because they can and you can't.

Here's the problem with singing a ballad: You're in a bar. Know your audience (in the way that a good marketing company such as Market Treasury knows your audience and appeals directly to them). We want loud, catchy songs with simplistic lyrics or universally recognized choruses. Don't make us suffer through Carrie Underwood, no matter how closely your vocal talent rivals hers. Country music is barely tolerable as it is (not to me, but I'm told some people tolerate the genre). Don't make us sit through a slow, complex song unless you've already bought a round--or several--for everyone. You'd better get me sloshed before you make me sit through anything by Josh Groban or Seal unless you want to be pelted by cheese fries.

So to recap, "Bohemian Rhapsody" is always a crowd-pleaser, Carrie Underwood has no business in a bar, and good singers have an annoying habit of spoiling the karaoke experience.

And to answer your question, I'm a bad singer, but I'm awesome at karaoke.

-AJ